As a child my favorite question was why.  I was curious about everything.  An example of this is a story I remember from when I was six years old. After learning about the cicadas in my science class a friend and I went out looking for them.  We climbed trees throughout our neighborhood and covered our shirts in them. I went home and my mother called to me from the kitchen.  Rounding the corner she took one look and ran screaming down the hall.  From the kitchen she calmly told me to go outside and shake those bugs off.

So I was a very hands on kid – and science has always been my favorite subject.  When I was seven we were studying the weather.  I looked forward to learning about the rainbow.  I knew the story of Noah and the Ark and the Biblical reasons for the existence of the rainbow.  But I hoped that science might offer me another explanation.  I was disappointed to discover that science explained the elemental make-up of a rainbow, but gave me no sufficient explanation for why it existed or where it came from.

To me this meant that the Bible knew more than science did.  It was at this time that my mother sat me down and shared the gospel with me, and told me that I was a sinner and that that my sin separated me from being able to enjoy a relationship with a holy God.  I learned that Jesus came and lived a sinless life and took upon Himself the punishment for my sins.  It was at that time that the Lord enabled me to put my trust in what He did on the cross as being enough to forgive me of my sins.

I was a very happy-go-lucky kid and found it easy to see the good even in very dark situations.  I have since learned that this was a gift of God to me – to help me through some emotional, physical and mental abuse I would have to endure throughout my childhood.  I am still working through (by the grace of God) all of the effects of those years on me – especially my fear of being controlled by someone else and my tendency to put myself into situations or relationships that are unhealthy.  I have learned that this is all a very normal part of what I have been through, but it is very difficult for me at times, and would be impossible for me apart from my relationship with Jesus Christ.  So my happy-go-lucky heart was such a blessing to me even through the abuse.  Recently the Lord has revealed so much to me and set me free in a number of ways to follow Him and grow in my faith.

I will always be thankful for my mom sharing the gospel with me.  I still mark that day as the day I began my love relationship with Christ.  But looking back, I have realized that my mom was also very young in her faith and did not know how to help me develop in my relationship with Him.  So even though we went to church every Sunday, our faith and our lives took separate paths.  I learned to keep Jesus at church on Sunday, and to live for myself the other six days of the week.

Because of the abuse of my childhood, I have struggled with things that don’t stress some people out but can have a very negative impact on me physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Sometimes I feel very different from other Christians around me – especially the ones who seem to be able to take Jesus or leave Him, and still just walk through life with no apparently significant problems.  But then the Lord reminds me that we are all the same – that we are all in desperate need of Him for healing, help and love.  That He can use my desperate need of Him to help others see their desperate need of Him – at times I am impatient to see that happen, and He is helping me with that as well.

In my life I have often come to a crossroads where I see Jesus leading one way, and several other paths I would rather take.  And I am sad to say that over and over again I have taken the wrong paths – especially when I feel alone in carrying this weight of pain.  But time and time again, Jesus comes after me.  He never lets me get too far down the road away from Him.  Even just one year ago I was very near the end of things.  But praise God – He truly is “near to the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18).

My life continues to be a struggle at times as I seek to permanently let go of the things that cause me pain from my childhood.  I want to forgive, and be healthy, even with the unhealthy people in my life.  I want to shine brightly for Jesus without getting angry at people who seem to not need Him as much as I think they should.  I want to live a life worthy of His sacrifice, without getting tripped up by the lie that I have to earn His love in any way.

I often think of this verse which has become one of my favorites is John 10:10, “The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy but I have come to give them life and give it to the full.”

By God’s grace I continue to follow Him and love Him.  By God’s grace I am still a part of this fellowship group (I have tried to leave several times).  By God’s grace I continue following, loving and depending on Him, day by day

Thank you for listening to my story.

I was 8 years old when I moved from Korea. I grew up in a Christian family. Before I went to college, I attended the First Korean Presbyterian Church in Dillsburg. My parents took me to church every Sunday, but church was a social event for me. I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus at the time. I knew that Jesus was the Son of God, and died for my sins, and if I believed Him, it meant that I would go to heaven. I remember going to a retreat one summer in high school and memorizing John 3:16 in order to eat lunch. So I memorized that verse and said sure, I believe in Jesus Christ.

I went to University of Illinois for college, so I was far away from home. Even though I had my freedom, I still went to church. And only because my mom would call me every Sunday evening to ask me “Did you go to church?” And if I said no, I would get an earful from my mom. I couldn’t lie to my mom, so I went to church most Sundays during college, and that’s only because they had a late service at 3PM. If they didn’t have a late service, I don’t know if I would have made it because most Sunday mornings, I was hung over from drinking. Every time, I would go to church service, I would: sit all the way in the back, didn’t really say hi to anybody, take notes on the sermon, and leave right afterwards. I would even say, wow, that was a great sermon, but the message left my mind as soon as I left the church building. I moved back to PA after graduation and went back to the Korean church for a year. I couldn’t understand the sermon in Korean, so I started looking for another church. That’s how I started attending West Shore back in 2002 or 2003. But the same habit carried over from college with church. I attended most Sunday services: sat in the back, didn’t talk to anybody, and left right after service. I would purposely come in 10 to 15 minutes later because I didn’t like greeting people during announcements. By nature, I’m not a social person, and I didn’t really want to get to know anybody. Also, I think in some way I didn’t want people judging me about my lifestyle that I had, which was work Monday through Fridays and drinking on the weekends with friends. And on most Sundays, I went to church because it was just another routine for me and would get a guilt trip from my parents if I didn’t.

It wasn’t until late last October (2010) when everything changed for me. I went through a hard time in my life and because of that, I started to look to Jesus. I started listening to sermons by our Pastor Phil before going to bed. My sister told me about Tim Keller, so I started listening to his sermons. Tim Keller references CS Lewis a lot in his sermons, so I picked up few of his books. The more and more I read and listened to sermons, Jesus became real to me as my Savior, my Redeemer, my Lord, and my God. He had opened my eyes to see and ears to hear. I finally knew what it meant in Ephesians 2: 5 where it says He has “made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.” It was then, I realized that the Jesus that I thought I knew was the Jesus that I wanted Him to be. In my mind, Jesus was a loving God, and He would forgive me because I “believed.” Like John 3:16 says, “whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.” See I had taken this verse and just because I said I believed Him, I thought I was saved. I now know that believing is following Him. I ignored the verses like Matthew 7: 21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.”

It’s amazing what Jesus did to me when He entered my life. I wanted to know Him more and more. In the first month I isolated myself. I came home from work and would listen to 2 or 3 of Tim Keller’s sermons a day, read the Bible, read other Christian books. I didn’t like reading books before, but now, I love reading anything that will help me get to know Him better. God has a funny way of expressing things to me. Like I said, the first month, I didn’t want to leave my house much. I was listening to a sermon by Darrin Patrick, and he had said “From today, I want you to stop coming to church! From now on be the church!” That’s when I realized that I needed to change the way I viewed church and started being the church, so that’s when I began attending SixTen and small group. Another time, I was convicted by Francis Chan’s sermon titled the New Middle Road. After hearing that message, I felt like I needed to serve in some way. I didn’t know what, so I started searching for volunteer opportunities in the area. Kyle had gone to Helping Hand Ministries and told me about it during our small group. Also, I’ve always wanted to help out at Bethesda Mission, so I’ve been helping out on a weekly basis at Helping Hand Ministries and Bethesda Mission. I want to try to serve God and His people, and this is one way that I can serve Him.

These past few months, God has started to change my heart, but this is only the beginning of my walk with Christ. I feel like I have only scratched the surface of who God is and what it means to follow Jesus. I want to spend the rest of my eternal life knowing Him, seeking Him, loving Him, serving Him, and depending on Him more and more each day. I would like to share one of my favorite quotes by Tim Keller, “I see I am more flawed and sinful than I ever dared believe, but that I am even more loved and accepted than I ever dared hope.”

Listen to Kim’s Testimony

This Is My Story
I was born in Grand Rapids Michigan at Butterworth Hospital on April 21, 1968. I was born again just 8 miles away and 18 years later on the campus of Calvin College. It was there, in chapel, that I heard the gospel for the first time.

Which was strange for me because I had grown up in church and called myself a christian. I was very familiar with all the different parts of the gospel – I knew God was holy. I knew Jesus was God’s Son. I knew he died on a cross and I knew he rose again from the grave. If you had known me back then you would have said I was saved. But it wasn’t until that chapel service that God put all the pieces together for me. For the first time I understood that what Christ did on the cross had to do with me personally. He did it because of something I personally, desperately needed. I learned that because of my sin I needed a Savior – someone willing and able to take the blame for the bad things I had done (and would still do) and to even be punished for those things, just as if He had done them. I learned that the only One able to be that person was Jesus Christ. I finally understood that if I wanted to be able to have a relationship with a holy God, both in this life now and after I died, I would need to come to Him on His terms, namely by faith in His Son, Jesus Christ.

But this was all radically new information for me, and I can remember looking around at everyone like: Wow – can you believe what this guy is saying? But they didn’t seem as enthralled as I was – some of them weren’t even listening!

I would learn later that the reason they weren’t listening was because they had heard all of this before. All my college friends had grown up in evangelical Christian places. They had gone to Christian school, Christian camp, Christian clubs – even Christian stores! I on the other hand didn’t know these things existed until I arrived on Calvin’s campus back in 1985. I was a senior in highschool, and a girl I worked with at a children’s clothing store invited me back to her dorm to meet her “college” friends. And here was this amazing place, right in the middle of the town I grew up in, full of cute boys who weren’t doing illegal things. And I thought to myself, this is the place for me! And the only reason I decided I wanted to go to Calvin – truly the ONLY reason – was because of one of those cute boys in particular. Of course the story my parents heard (and at this point I think still believe) was that I wanted to go to Calvin for their broadcasting department. Little would they ever know (until now) that my academic passions were all centered on a dutch Christian reformed guy named Keith VerBeek.

But getting back to that chapel service – my friend’s boredom with the message didn’t deter me from listening. In fact I remember feeling like the speaker was speaking directly to me and only me. I felt like I was in one of those science fiction scenes when everyone else freezes, and it’s just you who isn’t frozen, and you feel like the only person in the world still alive. And that’s when the speaker said something that shocked me and made me sit straight up in my seat. He told me that if I believed all those things about Jesus Christ, that I needed to make a choice, right there in chapel.

That I needed to choose to put all of my hope and trust in what Christ did on the cross as being good enough to forgive me of my sin – to either put my faith in what Christ did completely, or to walk away from Him – right then and there. As soon as chapel ended I quickly ran back to my dorm room so that I could talk to God privately. I told God that I didn’t want to walk away from Him – that I would never walk away from Him again. I told Him I believed what I had heard – that I believed I was a sinner, and that He was the only Savior for me. I asked Him to forgive me of my sin and to be MY Savior. I told Him that I didn’t understand everything (I had never read a bible at that point, although I possessed a really big one that I carried around with my name embossed on the front) that I didn’t know exactly what this would mean for me, or my life – but that I definitely wanted to start a relationship with Him that lasted forever. And that was the day I began my love relationship with God – the most important day of my life.

Now to share with you the part of my journey that I feel most compelled by Him to share, I have to back up a bit, to before I got saved. From a very young age I was a classic people pleaser. I started with simple things like wanting to make my parents proud, or wanting to be loved by the people at church, in my school, etc. Nothing unusual, except perhaps the occasional odd confession – like the story my mom tells of how I would sometimes annoy her by confessing strange things – like when I confessed that I was so sorry that I had used what I thought might be too many squares of toilet paper and would she please forgive me, or another time confessing to her that I had peed in the lake while we were at the beach last week, and should we try to find the people I swam with and ask for their forgiveness?

But at some point my people pleasing tendency morphed into something much more unhealthy. I have sometimes referred to it as the time in my life when I was running on a gigantic treadmill with 10,000 carrots dangling out in front of me. And when I say carrots, I’m referring to that idiom of the carrot on the string – the one based on the story of the boy on the donkey cart. And the boy wanted to get his donkey moving – and he knew his donkey loved carrots, so he got this great idea to take a long stick, and take a carrot and a string, and tie one end of the string to the carrot, the other end to the stick. Then he would hold that carrot out in front of the donkey to get him to move forward. As the donkey moved forward to get the carrot, he pulled the cart forward (and the boy). Since the carrot always remained out of reach, the donkey continued to move forward.

That is a really good picture of my life for a number of years – only for me there were 10,000 (possibly more) “carrots” (quote unquote) that I myself had assembled before me, and under my feet was this gigantic treadmill (so I never actually got anywhere, and I did so at a tremendous speed) and I had no idea who was driving this whole thing forward, but whoever it was – I felt like they didn’t like me too much. But of course at the time I had no idea this was what things looked like in reality – I only believed I was living life the way it must be lived – the way everyone lived it. And so I went forward, feeling like I was burdened by nothing more than the usual burdens of a normal life. But pretty soon my particular set of carrots started growing and expanding in some unbearable ways. It wasn’t enough for me to make my parents proud, I wanted to make them ecstatic. I wasn’t satisfied with doing a good job at work – I wanted my employers to genuinely believe they never had, nor would they ever have again, an employee quite as special and as valuable as I was. I had several sets of carrots for each relative, each friend, each event in life. I had boyfriend carrots and housekeeping carrots – even a thank you note carrot.

And can I just pause here and explain the thank you note carrot. My mom and my sister are amazing thank you note people. If you give either of them a gift, no matter how small or insignificant, you will have a thank you note in your hands in like seven seconds after the gift has been received. It’s amazing! Sometimes they’ll even send thank you notes for things that most people don’t send thank you notes for, like a phone call – like I’ll call my mom – hi mom, how are you – oh fine, etc. And then in two days: “Dear Kimmy, thank you so much for calling me and thinking of me. You are a special daughter…” And these aren’t just any thank you notes either – these are those special kind with the stamps and ribbons, and embossing and streamers – sometimes the thank you note I get back for whatever thing I did is better than the thing I did in the first place! Sometimes I even get that “double thank you note” pressure going – like “should I write a thank you note for this thank you note?”

So anyway – it got so bad at one point that I realized I was dreading it when people would give me gifts – I’d be like: Oh, no, really – don’t give me anything. And I was secretly just trying to avoid the thank you note carrot from dangling over my head, accusing me of being unthankful, making me feel like I am horrible, and weird and what is wrong with me and why can’t I just embosse hand made thank you notes like normal people? To this day if you give me a gift, I will most likely say something like…thank you so much for this gift, and this sentence I’ve just spoken also serves as my thank you note.”

And some of my carrots were funny and I dealt with them in funny ways – but some of them weren’t so funny. Like the carrot of holding marriages together, or the carrot of being skinnier than anyone I knew, or the carrot of never doing anything that might accidentally cause pain to anyone. I just kept adding and adding carrots and someone kept putting them more and more out of reach and I would get more and more disgusted with myself for not reaching all of them, and sometimes I would do things to punish myself for not being good enough, or skinny enough or wise enough, or careful enough. My eating disorder in particular actually became a way to punish myself for failing at what I wanted to accomplish. The pain of starving myself or making myself throw up was a way I would punish myself, but at the same time it made me feel good about how serious I was about getting this carrot! And not everyone’s eating disorder originates from this line of thinking, but for me it did, and was all wrapped up in this complex system of performance-oriented love I had been carefully growing over the years.

And even after I was born again, I brought this way of coping with life into my life with Christ. I did not try to earn my salvation – since that day I have always trusted in what Christ did on the cross as the only thing good enough to make a way for me into heaven, but I was trying to earn his affection, in my own strength, and on my own terms – indeed I really knew no other way of relating to people or events than the carrot on the string model.

When I learned that Christ loves a cheerful giver, I made a carrot that constantly accused me of being a horrible giver. When I learned that Christ expects us to pray, I made a prayer carrot that was always getting bigger and further out of reach. The more carrots I made with Christ’s name on them, the less I wanted to be around Jesus or His people. Life with Christ was just like life with everyone else, only there were infinitely more expectations, and not nearly enough prizes. Over time I began to get the feeling that the more I got to know this Jesus, the more horrible I would feel about the relationship. And yet I had promised to never walk away from Christ, and so I kept adding spiritual carrots along with the other ones – and the system grew and grew and became more and more difficult to manage.

It got to the point where I was adding a new carrot almost every day, and the ones from my childhood were all still there as well. And meanwhile someone was driving the whole system faster and faster. I remember feeling like life was moving so quickly now, and my failures seemed to be coming at me at greater and greater speed. And the sense of condemnation I would experience when I failed at reaching a carrot was increasing also. And I began to realize that much of my running and running was now an effort to avoid that condemning voice. That voice from within myself that seemed to always be saying something like: What’s wrong with you? You are pathetic. Nobody wants to be around you. I was running and running at break neck speed – and I was getting more and more tired. And the more tired I became, the more things I failed at, and the louder that condemning voice became. And I was just so tired. Tired of running and not getting anywhere, tired of getting somewhere and not being satisfied, tired of carrots, and extremely tired of myself.

For any of you out there who have lived by this system, you know that there are times when the whole thing just breaks down in one big ugly mess. And it’s really not a pretty picture. Things are just rolling along, rolling along – you’re running the universe you’ve created just fine and then, suddenly – often without any warning – everything comes crashing to a screeching halt. Carrots go flying – treadmill gears grind and break and burst into flames – You yourself go flopping down in a pile (sometimes the treadmill actually shoots you across the room, and you hit the wall and then the floor) and you land in a heap (or a puddle) and usually, regardless of how bad the break down was, you assume the fetal position and want everyone to leave you alone forever.

And this was what would often happen to me. Things would be chugging along and suddenly – without warning, I would be in bed and no one could get me out of bed. Or sometimes I would be so full of despair I would lie face down on the floor with my teeth literally in the carpet. And I didn’t want to get up, and anyone who tried to help me up I hated. And I knew this kind of thing wasn’t good – but I was pretty good at keeping it from getting out of hand. Only one time did my mom threaten to take me to a mental health place if I continued being so unhealthy. Only one time was someone really concerned about my despairing tendencies. And since I thought this was the normal way of life, I truly believed I was just the only idiot on the planet that couldn’t just buck up and deal with it. I would look around and see these people knocking themselves out and moving forward – why couldn’t I do that? And then there were others who failed miserably but didn’t seem to even care? Why couldn’t I be like that?

And then I met this really wise person (it was the guy I would later marry – Pastor Nate) who gave me a book called “Tired of Trying to measure up” and I read the first page and threw it immediately into the garbage. (that’s what I do if I read something that is so true it scares me). And the book made me see what I was doing – and it totally freaked me out. It was like pulling back the curtain in the wizard of oz and seeing an old man there pulling levers. I remember throwing the book away and shaking my head and saying that’s a bad book – there’s something wrong with that book. But I had already read enough to crack the foundation of my world – so I went out and bought another copy (I didn’t want Nate to know I had thrown his away), and read it cover to cover in one day. I was aghast at how accurately it described what I was doing and experiencing. It described the carrots, and the treadmill and even the condemning voice I was so afraid of. It was as if the person who wrote this book had been secretly trailing me through life, writing down my every move! The Lord used this book to show me something very shattering – that I was running myself to death on the very system Christ died to free me from. I learned at this time that once I was born again, my value in life (and death) was to come from Him – not from something I did or did not do – but from Jesus Christ who now lived within me.

And I knew Jesus Christ lived in me, but until that point I had not really understood what that meant. Yes I knew that because Christ lived in me I was forgiven of my sins – but I learned that there was more to my salvation than I at first realized. I learned that when I trusted Christ as my personal Savior – He not only took away my sin – He applied His righteousness to my life as well. That means, when God looks at me, He doesn’t see someone who He wishes would just try a little harder – someone that just never seems to measure up to what she should be – (sadly I have learned over the years that many, many women believe God views them in this way). But rather, when He looks at me (and you if you are saved) He sees Jesus Christ, and all the wonderfully holy, righteous things Jesus did, and does, and is. So I have never fasted and prayed for 40 days (if I had, I would feel like a pretty spiritual person!) but because of Jesus, from God’s perspective, I have done that at least once, because Jesus did that at least once. And I have never walked on water, or healed a leper, or memorized the entire Bible or preached the most amazing sermon ever preached. But because I am in Christ – the most amazing part of the gospel for me was learning that for me (and you if you are saved) God views us as though we have done all of those things, plus NONE of the bad things we’ve actually done.

And someone will say – well, if you believe that, then what keeps you from just becoming born again and then running off and living like the devil? And that question actually comes from the devil I think. Because the real question is – if you believe this is true – if you truly believe this, everything in you will just want to love and serve this amazing Savior! You won’t want to run away from Him – NEVER! Why run away from Someone Who loves you this much? Just the opposite is true – when you actually begin to understand and believe what exactly He did for you on the cross – your response will always and forever be – I love you – help me to love you more.

And this was amazing news to me, and exciting and extremely scary all at the same time. Scary because I knew it was not going to be enough for me to just learn all of this – scary because Jesus was asking me to do something about it. And here I had taken 20 years to craft this elaborate OTHER way of coping with life – a way of motivating myself and getting what I needed and keeping things under control – MY control. (now granted – the system had some minor flaws, but it was my flawed system, and I knew how it worked.) Now Jesus was asking me, through this book and His Word and some other wise people to abandon my way of living and to adopt this other way to live – this grace way – this unconditional love way and this radically dependent on Christ (not myself) way.

And it was so glorious and so frightening at the same time. Glorious because it sounded exactly like what I knew in my heart I needed – and frightening because I could see at a glance that this new system was going to be entirely outside of my control. And also – it was very unfamiliar to me in terms of how it all worked. I knew the carrot and string system inside and out – but I had lots of questions about this grace system thing. Questions like…What would I look like if I stopped chasing after carrots? Would people like me? Would they still laugh at my jokes? Can I even still tell jokes? How would I control my feelings in this new system? Why would people need me if I stopped fixing everything for everyone? How will people know about my value in Christ? And many other questions besides. But even though I did not have answers for any of these questions right away – the Lord in His mercy enabled me to move forward anyway – He led me step by step, out of my old way of thinking and behaving, and into my new life with Him.

The first thing He led me to do was to take all the carrots I was currently aware of and give them to Him. This was a lot harder than it sounds! Jesus doesn’t always deal with our carrots the way we want Him to! And for me, turning over control to anyone, even a perfectly holy, all powerful being who made me was impossible to do. But He showed me that He is truly the only One Who can be trusted with carrots – He’s the only One Who knows everything and plans everything and controls everything. I cried out to Him to help me do it, and amazingly, He did. One by one I turned them over, starting with the one that had gotten the most out of hand – my weight carrot. I told Jesus as I handed that one over that no matter what weight He wanted me to be, I would still love and serve Him. That I was going to stop doing sinful things to keep my weight on my terms – that I was trusting Him with it. That I wanted my value to come from Him and His love for me – and not from my weight. Then I handed it over and took it back and handed it over again, and held onto part of it while He held most of it, and it really took a while to give that whole carrot to Jesus Christ, but He helped me, bit by bit, and today I can tell you He has been holding that carrot entirely for me for over 17 years. And sometimes I try to take it back and set it up on a string, but the string always breaks, and it just never works like it used to! (praise God).

And then there was the carrot of disappointing people next. And as I handed that one over I told Jesus that even if it was His will that everyone would be disappointed in who I was – even if it was His will that I might make a mistake that causes someone I love dearly a great deal of pain or difficulty – that I would still love and serve Him. That I wanted my value to come from what He thought of me – not what others thought. That I really still wanted people to like me, and think of me in good ways, but if for some reason it was His will that they didn’t – even if it was His will that I would cause an accident that would cause lots of pain and everyone would wish I had never lived – even if that was His will – I would not stop loving and serving Him – I would wait for Him to help me through that and to use it for good in my life. And on, and on., one carrot at a time, I turned things over to Christ. At first I wasn’t aware of how many carrots I had – I would have guessed 10. But after I had turned over the first 10, another one showed up and I would turn that one over and then another one, and so on.

I found it so wonderful about Christ that He never overwhelmed me with how many I would need to turn over to Him. He dealt with them one by one, and He didn’t move on to the next one until I had completely turned over the one He had pointed out. One by one He gave me the power to turn them over and leave them within His control. And slowly, VERY slowly, I was surrendering my life to Christ’s total control. And it was painful, and at times excruciatingly so. There were times when I would run up and try to grab all of the carrots back from Him. Life without carrots is too hard! Life without the motivation of carrots and condemnation – I’m not made for that life! And He would gently refuse to give me the carrots back. If I did happen to grab one anyway, or make a new one, the stick would break, or I’d fall off the treadmill immediately. It was so frustrating following Christ! In the beginning of this transition – half the time I was angry, the other half of the time I at the very least crabby. This was the season in my life when I learned who my true friends were (I think I ended up determining that there were two and one of them was my mom). But little by little I began to see a change.

One of the biggest changes was in the area of my temper. I used to have a very violent temper – I would lash out at people who I perceived were rejecting me (mostly because I was constantly dealing with that inward voice of condemnation and rejection – one more drop of it would just send me over the edge.) But slowly I began to see a new spirit emerge within me. Oh people still rejected me, but their rejection had less and less power over me. I had more and more power to return good for evil, not just on my really spiritual days either. My sense of being a “beloved” child of God was growing – and my sense of being the condemned failure was dissipating.

But certainly none of this was easy, and most of it was ugly. There were times when I would have to cry out to the Lord “take it! Take it! Take it! (even in public places I would sometimes do this!) but you know what is such good news? He would take it all – every time, without asking me accusing, condemning questions – He just quietly took all the pain, the fears – the carrots – all of it, every time. And He would remind me this is exactly what He wants to do. He would tell me over and over again…

“Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

The next thing He showed me to do was to allow Him to silence the voice of condemnation that had driven me all those years. For some people this voice comes from another person or people – but that wasn’t the way it was for me. Sure I had your occasional bad run ins with negative people – but the people closest to me have actually always been extremely loving, supportive and encouraging to me. My parents especially were amazingly positive, encouraging people. I think that’s why they never understood what in the world I was doing with all of these strange confessions and self-punishment. Remember how I made one of my carrots to be that it wasn’t enough for my parents to be proud of me – but I wanted them to be ecstatic with me? They usually were – even with small things – and not only that – they made big deals about everything I have ever done or said – every milestone – every award. If you go to my house and look at my mother’s photo albums especially, you can literally watch me age on a moment by moment basis. So why did I think like this? Where in the world was all this condemnation coming from?

And that’s when Christ showed me, through His Word, that for believers, any kind of condemning voice is coming from satan himself. That it is satan who lives to accuse believers, night and day. And so I learned that anyone who condemns another person – or in other words, anyone who tries to motivate another person with ridicule or mockery or blame or rejection – they are just doing satan’s dirty work for him. And I knew right away that for whatever reason, I had given part of myself to be used by satan in my own life – but now what should I do? I had allowed it to go on for so long without question – I was not powerful enough to stop that voice now, even though I desperately wanted to. Indeed I would have promised you had you spoken to me at that time that I NEVER be able to stop thinking the way that I did.

But Jesus Christ had other plans for my mind. He assured me that what I was powerless to do, He was more than able to accomplish. He taught me how to hide myself in Him. One of the ways I did this was whenever I did something or did not do something that caused that condemning voice or feeling to happen – I would run over to Christ and tell him what was going on inside of me – and Christ would take that lie and replace it with His Truth. When I heard inside my head: “You’re a failure!” I would run over to Christ who would carry that for me and tell me: “You are Mine!” When I would hear a voice saying to me: “You’ll never be able to keep this up!” Instead of holding onto that myself, and worrying about it and panicking – I would just bring that whole idea to Christ and He would tell me every time – “I will carry you.” When I was told: “If people really knew how ugly you are inside, they would all reject you immediately.” I take that dark thought to Christ in prayer, and He would say to me – “I know you – I see you, and I love you – and I will never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, leave you nor forsake you.” And each time Christ would remind me – That there is therefore now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus.

And I learned that being motivated by condemnation is actually a very bad thing. It is the system of the underworld, and is nothing a believer in Christ should have anything to do with. Yes we sin, and when we do (if we are saved) we are convicted by the Holy Spirit and should forsake that sin and run back to Christ. But being convicted of sin and feeling condemned are two very different things. And He began to give me the courage to confront that condemning voice whenever I encountered it – first when I encountered it in myself, and then when I encountered it in other people – even well-meaning believers. And I’m still confronting that condemning voice, both in myself and in other people 10 years later – and I have had the joy of helping others break free from the try hard/give up cycle, and together we have learned to love the benefits of loving and serving the God of grace, and hiding in the shadow of His wings.

And perhaps you have been sitting here, convicted that you have been that condemning voice in someone else’s life. (and that is a very uncomfortable thought). And you recognize in yourself the tendency to use things like rejection and disgust to motivate someone , perhaps someone you love dearly. And to you I say, turn your eyes upon Jesus Christ. Only He can stand guard over your heart and convict you when you try to use that voice – but you have to invite Him to stand there. Even today I completely rely on the conviction of Christ for when I fall back into condemnation mode, usually out of fear or exhaustion. And He is so faithful – He is helping me to get better and better at recognizing that voice for what it is. He helps me to more and more hate being used as a tool in the hand of the enemy in the lives of the people I love. I’m getting quiicker and quicker at repenting of this, and you can too – you WILL too, as you invite Christ into the situation and DEPEND on Him.

And perhaps you are suffering under that try-hard, give up cycle yourself. Perhaps you are running and running on that treadmill I described with a million carrots in front of you and a voice of condemnation screaming at you from behind. And these words I’m saying are ringing true in your heart, but you feel like that smoldering wick, and you fear just one more failure, just one more look of rejection or feel of condemnation and that light will go out completely. And to you I say – turn your eyes upon Jesus Christ. Relief – ultimate relief – can only be found inside a love relationship with Him. And though people and situations and the devil himself may continue to try to condemn you, it is by the power of Christ that you will say with Him – (and me) there is now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Let’s pray…

Scripture quotations taken from the New American Standard Bible®,Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973,1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)

I grew up in a home where my parents loved Jesus, tried to live like him in their everyday lives, took me to church, and sent me to Christian school. But even though I knew a lot about God, I feared him rather than loved him. Especially at night after I would go to bed, I feared that I might die in my sleep, and I would plead with God to please not send me to hell. Yet I was never quite sure that I would avoid going to hell.

I also was very lonely. Because I didn’t have consistent friends, I remember when I pretended that I had two raccoons and a cocker spaniel that would go with me throughout the school day. During one time I did have a friend, I grew bored of her after a year: she wasn’t especially pretty or popular, and I thought that hanging out with her decreased my chances of ever being popular.

Then one day I read a small book about heaven. As the author described what God says about the beautiful place he is preparing for those who love and depend on him, I started to desire to be with him in heaven (rather than simply wanting to avoid hell). However, my hurtful friendships with others had shown me how often I treated others the opposite of the way God commands. I did not deserve to live with God. But God’s son Jesus knew this, wanted me to live with him, and took on himself the punishment from God that I deserved for mistreating others. Christ accepted the punishment for those hurtful actions so that I could have friendship with God. I had to accept his gift and rest on what Christ did as enough to save me.

After accepting God’s gift, I am able to sleep at night without fearing death, and have actually been able, at some times more than others, to tell God how much I look forward to what he has planned for me when my time on earth is over. Jesus has stuck with me during each transition and refused to leave me though he has always known and continues to deal with the deep inner ugliness and sin in my heart. And while I still wade through different types of aloneness, I am learning (present tense!) how God transforms loneliness from something that is only bad to something that helps me know and love Jesus and others better.

My childhood could be summed up briefly in three facts: I was a sensitive, caring child. My father was mentally and emotionally abusive. And, I was raised Jewish, but non-practicing, so I had no solid foundation of faith. These are the perfect ingredients for a lost soul.

I was 10 years old when my struggling, but loving mother finally ended the marriage for the kids’ sake, but the damage was already done. I was like a ghost growing up, with no self-esteem or form. Trust in others became near-impossible. My childhood felt like survival. When I went away to college, I realized how bad off I had become and how much pain I carried with me. I went through a period of time when I asked God daily to take back the life he had given me. Nevertheless, God had other plans for me.

With the help of a gentle and inspiring therapist, at my most vulnerable time, I started to realize how precious life is. Since I was still around, God must love me afterall, and want me on this earth for something. So I focused everything I had on rebuilding myself, and sharing the gifts I found within me. I offered myself to service for others, which eventually led me to become a therapist. I tried to live my life using good “Christian” morals, even before I fully understood that that was what I was doing.

Despite my personal growth, my spiritual growth didn’t come until much later. I was very much a skeptic and feared relying on people after having been let down by others. I resisted organized religion and getting to know this God who had spared my life. 7 years ago, though, I started to date my best friend, who happened to be named ‘Faith’. You have to love God’s irony. By virtue of Faith’s religious roots (with enough pastors in her family to make this Jewish boy nervous), I opened my heart and mind to Christianity as a religion and to Jesus Christ himself. To my surprise, I found the key to my locked door and I felt like I was finally coming home.

Last year, I officially became a Christian. I remember asking my mother-in-law what I needed to do to convert….take a test or look for a burning bush? She said to just declare my belief in Jesus Christ as my savior. Well, I’ve been declaring it ever since. I am really just at the beginning of my faith journey and there is much I don’t know yet. But, I can say with complete certainty: I can never give up on a God who never gave up on me.

I was 6 years old when I asked the Lord to live in my heart at Kenbrook Bible camp.  Personally, I do not remember the details of this event.  However, it must have been important to me, because my mother says that I was afraid He moved out over night, and the next day I did it again.

I do not know how much of this I understood at the time; I know growing up, however, that I had a very intellectual understanding of Christianity.  I knew Christ had died for my sins, I knew that I should try to keep his commandments, I knew that I loved Him.  To the best of my ability, I tried to live up to what I thought He asked of me.  For this reason, most people, even I, did not realize how radically out of line my behavior was becoming—I appeared very conscientious, and for that reason no one suspected that anything was wrong.

In high school, I became an extreme perfectionist about my grades, primarily motivated by the fear of what people would think of me.  I remember my parents constantly reminding me that I didn’t have to work so hard, that the results did not matter to them. They would tell me that all they expected from me was that I try my best.  I would turn this phrase against anyone who used it, telling them that it was always possible for me to try harder:  I could always sleep less, quit outside activities, and devote more time to my efforts.  I knew that my grades held a dangerous position in my life, but I was so afraid of disappointing anyone who had any expectations of me that I kept up the pattern.

At Grove City, I recognized that I had made idols out of my grades in high school, and I made valiant efforts to put the books down, and make people and God the priorities they should be.  However, while this was somewhat successful, I began attempting to control other areas of my life through worry with the same precision I had applied to my grades.  I have refused to fly since 9-11, and everything I have ever applied for has always been a strict 5-hr radius from my house, so that I could visit my family without riding a plane.

By the end of my junior year things crashed down around me, and I encountered situations I could no longer control through my strict diet of worry and preparation.  My mother was diagnosed with cancer, and all I could do was pray.  Nevertheless, I worried about everything until I was sick and tried to control the outcome to the best of my ability.

Throughout all of this, what I have worried about most was my salvation.  This is evidenced from the beginning of my walk with the Lord—I was 6 when I was saved, and the next day I already feared I had blown it. If I really believed what I said I believed, I knew I would not be living this way.  I never missed a chance to pray the sinner’s prayer, because I thought “if it didn’t go through the last time, it will go through this time.”  What I didn’t realize is that I wasn’t trusting the Lord to uphold his end of the promise—I didn’t trust Him enough to believe Him when he says “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  I thought that if I didn’t become a missionary or study enough or give enough away, then I wasn’t saved—not because I believed Christ saves through works—but because I couldn’t trust him enough to believe he would save me, and I felt like I had some control my situation by continually recommitting my life.

It was not until coming to this church, and meeting a few people who have been motivated by some of the very same things as me that I finally realize “there is no condemnation now for those who are in Christ Jesus,” and that my desire for control has put me in the place of my Lord.    I have begun again, and this time I am trying to trust God: I’m still a work in progress, but He is slowly allowing me to see the numerous areas where my mistrust has taken over, and they are slowly coming back under His control.

I can honestly say that I no longer obsess over my grades: I even celebrated after one particularly  bad test in college.  I have a plane ticket to visit my sister in Georgia in a few weeks.  Most importantly, I am slowly learning to trust my Lord with everything, including being confidant in his promise that the work he has begun in me will be carried “on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”